Punch Lines

Happy New Year! Well, asks the Cutler Daily Scoop, should old acquaintances be forgot?

* “Depends: Do they owe me money?”

* “Why not? If they’re all that old, they’re probably going to forget you first.”

* “If they are forgot, do what we do: Nod your head and pretend you remember them.”

Times Square erupted as the ball came down at midnight. Traditions differ, says Argus Hamilton. “In Washington, Newt Gingrich stayed up all night waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

You know you’ve watched too much football, says Cutler, when . . .

* You insist on a two-minute warning before all meals.

* You begin channeling Howard Cosell.

* You start calling the line judge “Mommy.”

* You dump Gatorade on your hosts.

*

In the news: The Journal of the American Medical Assn. reports that sex won’t trigger a heart attack, but suggests that the lack of sex might. Says Hamilton, “Finally, something for men to fake in bed.”

In Nashville, thousands have flocked to the Bongo Java coffee shop to behold a cinnamon bun that bears a likeness to Mother Teresa. Says Bill Williams, “Such phenomena are not uncommon. The other day I was mooned by some teenagers and I swear I saw the face of Rush Limbaugh.”

The FTC approved standards for high-definition TV. Says Cutler, “The picture quality is so clear you can even figure out the plots to ‘The X-Files.’ ”

A report says college enrollment is soaring. Says Alan Ray, “That’s because more and more people between 18 and 22 have set the same goal for themselves: not to have to go to work.”

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Chewy chewy: Several children who received Cabbage Patch Snacktime Kids, which mimic chewing and has no “off” switch, have had their hair gobbled up:

* “Toy maker Mattel says the doll was designed that way, to send a strong message to little girls not to chew on their hair.” (Johnny Robish)

* “The doll comes with plastic French fries, but obviously it prefers ‘curly’ fries.” (Paul Ecker)

* “This is one great way to shave your husband’s back.” (Buddy Baron)

* “What did parents expect when they purchased the Cough-Up-a-Hairball Cabbage Patch Kid?” (Jerry Perisho)

* “Mattel may make the best of things by renaming it the Cannibal Patch Doll.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

* “One sure-fire way to disable it: Feed it fruitcake.” (Stan Kaplan)

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Reader Deborah Scott-Toux of Rancho Cucamonga says her 8-year-old son asked her about the nonalcoholic beer she sometimes drinks.

“He warned me I’d better be careful or I could turn into a nonalcoholic.”