Going Overboard on ‘Pirates’

The last time I cruised “Pirates of the Caribbean” at Disneyland was several years ago and in the company of a friend and his two children, then about 6 and 3. Amid the ongoing aural and visual onslaught, my friend and I didn’t notice at first that his 6-year-old was fighting back tears. Midway through the ride, though, he gave up the ghost and broke down more visibly, finding the whole thing way too Stygian for his fun-in-the-sun tastes. His 3-year-old sister, meanwhile, was having a blast.

Emerging from our boat into the light, we went off in search of candy and roller coasters, vowing never again to visit that godforsaken cave of darkness. For his father and me, that represented no small sacrifice, both of us being college-educated professional men and thus highly interested in watching mechanized rum runners with daggers and flowing beards pursue defenseless young wenches before looting their village.

Hey, it’s history.

Apparently, history-lovers don’t matter to the Disney people anymore. Someone has gotten to them. Disneyland officials have announced that “Pirates,” coming up on its 30th year in operation, is getting an overhaul. When the ride resumes in March, the debauched buccaneers no longer will be chasing damsels with lustful intent; rather, they will be chasing them so they can wrest the plates of food they’re carrying.

Uh-huh.

The park is responding to complaints that the pirates’ behavior toward the women is offensive. One is tempted to say the complaints, in order to have any real value, are about three or four centuries too late, but that might sound glib. The complainants should be reminded that these pirates and these women are not real people, but outsized cartoonish figures moved to and fro by mechanical means. It’s the same reason Disney doesn’t apologize for calling that elephant with the big ears “Dumbo” or why they don’t post a sign on the Matterhorn saying, “Not the real mountain.” The park is, after all, in business to offer escapist fare and by the way, its spokesman might point out, the “Pirates” ride does not reflect the position of Disneyland or the Disney Co.

My hunch is they probably figure people know that. They probably figure that when people come to an amusement park, it’s kind of like going to the movies. There has to be a touch of realism, but, psst, it’s not really real.

Like it or not, this is the touch of realism about “Pirates of the Caribbean”: The pirates have been out to sea for months, many of them pulling galley duty in close quarters with men of poor hygiene. Their last contact with humanity was hand-to-hand combat with the crew of a merchant ship, whose tenants they probably dispatched by lopping off their heads or throwing them into the ocean. In short, these pirates coming ashore were not contemplative men brimming with savoir-faire. Trust me, when they saw attractive young women in colorful bodices--mechanized or not--these pirates were not chasing them because of a hankering for lamb chops.

For 30 years, Disney has understood this, all the while winking. Pirates chasing damsels is a harmless bit that may rankle some people’s sensibilities, but then, what doesn’t? Disney has probably labored under the notion that park-goers put as much stock in “Pirates” delivering a social message as they do in taking advice from Jiminy Cricket.

Yet Disneyland is walking the plank of political correctness on the “Pirates” ride. Just another blindfolded victim disappearing into the drink. As is always the case with the most extreme PC invocation, the world won’t be any worse off for caving in. No, we don’t need to see a fictitious pirate chasing a fictitious Caribbean cocktail waitress. Given that, the tendency is to knuckle under to the complaint.

On the other hand, every time we do so, we surrender a sense of perspective. Context does matter in life, or at least it should. It’s how we maintain credibility on the things that really need correcting.

So, no, we won’t miss the skirt-chasing, but why stop there? The ride has plenty of elements to upset others.

Why not replace the skull and crossbones with a happy face?

Why not have the carousing pirates chant, “Yo-ho-ho and please drink responsibly.”

Why not redo the ride altogether and instead of showing the pirates chasing anyone, let’s have them sitting in a circle and reading from Chaucer?

It’s never too late to raise the consciousness of a mechanical pirate!

All right, I’m a man overboard on all this. But I’m not alone in my overreaction.

Disneyland is a land of myths and unreality. It’s built on fantasy and exaggeration.

Today, it’s the pirate’s behavior that is outdated and offensive.

How far away can we be from insisting that we show proper respect and refer to that other well-known group as “Snow White and the Seven Little People?”