Punch Lines

Let the boys have Boise: A report in American Health magazine names Madison, Wis., as the nation’s most female-friendly city:

* “Why? Doesn’t it have Army bases?” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “Reasons include great job opportunities, good schools and no Charlie Sheen.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

* “Back in 1994, Madison declared itself an ‘O.J.-free zone.’ ” (Cutler)

* “Sharing last-place honors were Beer Belly, Alaska; TV Remote, Texas; and Never-Put-the-Seat-Down, Utah.” (Bob Mills)

*

In the news: Flood waters inundated Northern California and the Pacific Northwest:

* “Traffic was slowed along the region’s longest river: Interstate 5.” (Alan Ray)

* “The floods washed away an entire casino. Turned it into a floating crap game.” (Jenny Church)

* “It’s crippled the wine-tasting rooms in Napa. They’re completely out of the dry selections.” (Ray)

The Clintons enjoyed a vacation in the Virgin Islands. Says Alex Pearlstein, “The president had a great, relaxing time but he’s still wondering where in the heck those darn virgins are.”

Troubled by accusations of illegal activities in the White House, President Clinton issues a denial, says Pat Paulsen. “He said, ‘I am not a crook too.’ ”

Ben & Jerry’s has a new CEO. Says Cutler, “That’s one guy whose New Year’s resolution to lose weight has been shot to hell.”

Inmates on California’s death row are suing for the right to have children. Says Paul Ryan, “This is one group of kids that will never have to hear, ‘Just wait until your father gets home.’ ”

A newsletter for health care professionals says one third of psychotherapists are working second jobs to make ends meet. Says Johnny Robish, “It’s getting harder and harder to keep a family in Prozac these days.”

The daughter of reputed Mob godfather John Gotti has written a novel. Critics are giving it rave reviews, says Ray. “They especially like the ending: They live.”

Numerous party-goers at an L.A. rave became dizzy and nauseated after drinking a mysterious orange-colored liquid. Says Steve Voldseth, “Who says astronauts don’t know how to party?”

The road to the Super Bowl continues. Says Ray, “How can you spot the referee who officiates the coin toss? He’s the only one in the stadium with any money left.”

Superman is getting a fashion make-over. Gone is the old blue-and-red get-up with cape. The new look is mostly white with blue trim. Says Cutler, “Yeah, I always pegged Superman as a ‘winter.’ ”

*

Reader Susan Spite was having breakfast with daughters Sasha, 6, and Lauren, 4. They were having a discussion about how men do not understand women. Said Lauren:

“I guess that’s why they call them the opposite sex.”