Albert, Let Us Be Your Matchmaker

OK, so he’s balding, paunchy and pushing 40.

Say what you will, Monaco’s Prince Albert is still a good catch. He’s the heir-apparent of a 700-year-old dynasty that happens to control some prime Riviera real estate.

There’s just one hitch: Albert’s father, Prince Rainier, wants him to marry before he hands over the family business. But Albert, 38, apparently has had difficulty deciding on a bride. We thought we’d help out by suggesting some princess candidates.

Princess Diana

Upside: She’s elegant, titled and available.

Downside: Just ask Charles.

Queen Latifah

Upside: Strong, spirited, has the royalty thing down.

Downside: Might be too much woman for you, Al.

Christiane Amanpour

Upside: Keeps cool under fire. Given the Grimaldi penchant for scandal, that could be a good thing.

Downside: Temperamentally unsuited. She’d rather cover a Middle Eastern war than preside over a state banquet.

Kerri Strug

Upside: Cute as a button, tough as nails.

Downside: That voice.

Alanis Morissette

Upside: When it comes to red-hot romance, she oughta know.

Downside: Thinks everything’s ironic.

Ellen DeGeneres

Upside: Funny, self-deprecating, great company.

Downside: Your life together would be fraught with ambiguity.

Courtney Love

Upside: You’d never be bored.

Downside: You thought the press was bad when Stephanie got divorced and Caroline lost her hair?

Daisy Fuentes

Upside: That perky Gen-X appeal would be a major hit with your younger subjects. And those milk ad royalties might come in handy some rainy day.

Downside: Beavis and Butt-head would have to be invited to the wedding.

Pamela Harriman

Upside: She knows a lot about marriage.

Downside: She knows a lot about marriage.

Rosie O’Donnell

Upside: She’s the real deal, sassy and outspoken. A little of that Long Island earthiness would do you uptight royals some good.

Downside: Her heart’s spoken for. How come all the good ones are in love with Tom Cruise?

RuPaul

Upside: Fabulous fashion sense, has a great wig collection, would bring much-needed flair to the principality.

Downside: Already a queen.