You think you have problems. . ....

You think you have problems. . . :

No sooner did the media report on a survey about the stressful state of today’s college freshmen than USC’s Daily Trojan published a Page One story with this headline:

“New soda prices lead to confusion.”

Yes, the university Commons has hiked the price of 44-ounce soft drinks from $1.07 to $1.47, and, no, we’re not accepting donations to help defray the expenses of the needy at USC.

WHO’D HAUL AWAY THE QUEEN MARY? Val Rodriguez of Signal Hill, who

photographed today’s sign, vows: “I’m not ready to give up on Long Beach

yet!”

DISTASTEFUL DRIVING EXPERIENCE: On a visit to the Greater L.A. Auto Show, Alan Frisbie came upon a Volvo brochure that spoke of a revolutionary development in a new model (see excerpt). Points out Frisbie: “This certainly will relieve owners of the drudgery of manually licking their doors.”

WE’VE HEARD VENICE CALLED A LOT OF THINGS, BUT . . . : On our vacation we were perplexed by one radio bulletin that said the baby whale that washed up in Venice was feeling better but wasn’t “out of the woods yet.”

L.A. JOKE OF THE WEEK: Chester Collins of North Hollywood heard Jay Leno say that one way you can tell if you’re an Angeleno is: “If instead of giving your garbage man cash for Christmas, you promise to read his screenplay.”

BOOB-TUBE TREASURES: People Weekly’s Entertainment Almanac says the following TV memorabilia are stored at the Smithsonian’s Museum of American History.

* “Scissors used to stab Stephanie Wyatt’s third husband” (“Search for Tomorrow”).

* “Beer cans” (“All in the Family”).

* “Klinger’s gold lame dress, Cleopatra-style headdress and pink wool coat” (“MASH”).

* “Nick Yemana’s coffee cup” (“Barney Miller”).

* “Seltzer bottle used by Clarabell the Clown” (“Howdy Doody”).

MAYBE IT WAS IN THE CARDS: Remember Elizabeth Broderick of Palmdale, the Freemen devotee who was convicted of 26 charges involving a phony check scam? Well, she phoned The Times the other day to chat from the Federal Metropolitan Detention Center.

Turns out her favorite pastime in the pokey is . . . poker. And her favorite card partner? None other than Ms. (or should we say, Madam?) Heidi Fleiss.

Don’t take any checks, Heidi!

A COMMERCIAL YOU WON’T HEAR IN SHEBOYGAN: A Mercedes-Benz dealer on the Westside is running radio blurbs saying that if you buy one of its cars your friends will think you just “gota promotion or sold a screenplay.” And quit driving the garbage truck.

miscelLAny

So why did the publisher of Hustler magazine move his headquarters to L.A.? In the movie, “The People vs. Larry Flynt,” there’s a scene in which Flynt, battling legal problems and crippled by a would-be assassin, declares he wants to “move somewhere perverts are welcome.” The next image on the screen: the HOLLYWOOD sign.