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What: “No Ticket? No Problem!”

By: Scott Kerman.

Price: $8.99 (Summit Publishing Group)

Scott Kerman has made a reputation--and a partial living--sneaking into sporting events. He claims to have crashed six Super Bowls and 25 World Series games, as well as 300-plus concerts, boasting that he “hasn’t coughed up one red cent for a ticket since the Reagan administration.”

Kerman has been profiled on national television and in national newspapers, and by now he ought to be a folk hero--one renegade fan who took a stand and outfoxed a gluttonous system by beating the price-gougers into their own games.

But, rule of thumb, Americans prefer their folk heroes to be modest, unassuming and rarely obnoxious. On the pages of “No Ticket? No Problem!” Kerman illustrates why he has devoted much of his adult life to the science of professional gate-crashing. It’s probably the only way he ever gets into a party.

Kerman claims he works as a “stand-up comic, actor, writer and radio personality,” and therein lies the problem: He is not half as funny or as clever as he thinks he is. Read this book aloud at a sporting event and whole sections of the stadium will be sprinting for the exits, trying to sneak out of the building.

Relying on a gimmicky mock-lecture format, “Professor” Kerman and students engage in page after page of witty repartee (“Yes, you, with the pencil in your belly-button”). When he’s not cracking himself up, Kerman reveals techniques (impersonating vendors and marching band members have succeeded for him) and lists the “most difficult” and “easiest stadiums to sneak into.”

Most difficult? Madison Square Garden (“Even if you have a ticket, you can’t get in.”), followed closely by the “Los Angeles Forum” (“Even gang members can’t get tickets.”).

Easiest? USAir Arena, Landover, Md., (“Gives new meaning to ‘open to the public.’ ”). Runner-up: The Pond (“ ‘I’m Mickey Mouse. Where do I go?’ ”).

Presumably, Kerman has sets his sights on Sunday’s Super Bowl in New Orleans, armed, no doubt, with a fresh batch of crackling one-liners. Heaven help the security guard confronted with that earful.