Punch Lines

In Our Capital: “President Clinton delivered a heartfelt inaugural address, reminiscent of John F. Kennedy’s,” says Brian J. Hill. “Especially when he said, ‘Ask not what your country can donate to you, but what you can donate to your country.” “

* “Given our nation’s deficit, the ‘bridge to the 21st century’ will probably be a toll bridge.” (Olympia Daily World)

* Arkansas poet Miller Williams delivered the 1997 inaugural poem. “He spoke of the disenfranchised dead who have no voice in our decisions. Apparently he hadn’t seen the election returns from Louisiana.” (Argus Hamilton)

* Clinton’s address was 22 minutes long. “The length, sans commercials, of a sitcom. What do you expect? He’s a boomer.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “Vice President Al Gore was seen dancing up a storm at Black Entertainment Television’s inaugural jam. However, when Gore hollered, ‘Let’s party!’ it was muffled because so many people had already tossed their coats on him.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

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Four More Days: “The Super Bowl is Sunday in the Super Dome. Most of America will be watching. In fact, the only people who won’t be able to see the game will be those in the very top rows of the stadium,” says Alan Ray.

* It has been reported that New England Patriots coach Bill Parcells will go to the New York Jets after the Super Bowl. “Now we will know if there is enough money in the world to get somebody to coach the Jets,” says the Daily Scoop.

* Signs Parcells may be headed to New York: “He upped his life insurance. He cursed at a pedestrian for practice and when asked a question at a press conference, he said, ‘You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to ME?’ ” (Daily Scoop)

* “Las Vegas is gearing up. So far the odds are 5 to 1 that the commercials will be better than the game.” (Alex Kaseberg)

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In the News: “Mervyn’s is closing 35 outlets around the country. Affected employees haven’t been notified. Company officials have not been able to find one,” says Ray.

Closing statements have begun in the O.J. Simpson trial. “Plaintiffs will put all the evidence into one cohesive picture--or 30.” (Daily Scoop)

“The administration said this week that Clinton wants to enlist the help of Hollywood to fight the war on drugs. Hollywood is already consuming more than half the drugs available,” says Jay Leno.

According to his biographer, actor Dudley Moore is somewhere in England hiding out from the paparazzi. “I guess that ‘Where Are They Now?’ crew got pretty persistent.” (Alex Pearlstein)

Reader Jess Lujan of Chatsworth says his 5-year-old grandson recently received a child’s piano. He started playing simple tunes like “Mary Had a Little Lamb.” “All of a sudden we heard a frustrated bang on the keys. We asked him why and he announced . . .”:

“This dumb piano doesn’t play rock ‘n’ roll.”