Punch Lines

High Tech Communication: “MCI has announced a major price decrease that is likely to start a major long-distance price war. The war will be conducted with annoying phone calls during the dinner hour,” says Johnny Robish.

PBS will soon offer commercial-free Internet access--if you don’t mind watching a pledge break every 15 minutes.” (Bob Mills)

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Singers in the News: Squeaky clean, goody-goody singer Pat Boone has recorded an album of hard rock hits. “In a related story, bad boy Rolling Stone Keith Richards is working on a medley of elevator Muzak.” (Alex Kaseberg)

* “Included on the album are ‘April Tough Love’ and ‘Unfriendly Persuasion.’ ” (Mills)

Korbel has introduced its new Frank Sinatra edition champagne. “When the cork is popped, it flies across the room and blackens a photographer’s eye.” (Mills)

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The Last Words: “The Green Bay Packers have repeatedly referred to something called the West Coast Offense. Judging by the West Coast teams I saw this year, it must be the play where you jump offsides, fumble the handoff and let the other team’s defense score a touchdown.” (Jerry Perisho)

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In the News: “Democrats and Republicans promise to work together for campaign finance reform,” says Argus Hamilton. “It’s been done before. For instance Abe Lincoln was a Republican and Democrats are getting $75,000 a night for his bedroom.”

Regarding FDA approval of a home drug-testing kit parents can use to test their kids, the Cutler Daily Scoop points out, “The kit is endorsed by Robert Downey Jr. If you fall asleep in a strange house, you fail.”

* “Interesting test. You give your kid an empty milk carton. If he makes a bong out of it, he may be on some kind of drug.” (Jay Leno)

Madeleine Albright is taking up her duties as the first female secretary of state. “Sen. Jesse Helms thought the first official duty was to make coffee.” (Jenny Church)

“Kato Kaelin will be on the dating game show ‘BZZZ!’ He’s looking for a female who meets his qualifications--a spare room,” says Paul Ecker.

“Sen. Richard Lugar is introducing legislation to replace income taxes with a national sales tax, which he hopes will lead to the abolition of the IRS. Meanwhile, the IRS is looking into Lugar’s tax returns.” (Robish)

“Because of three failed around-the-world balloon attempts, the number of schoolchildren whose dream it is to become a balloonist has fallen . . . from two to one.” (Craig Kilborn)

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Reader C.P. Simon says his 6-year-old granddaughter, Rachel, loves fried shrimp. In a restaurant, Rachel’s grandmother asked how many shrimp were on the child’s seafood platter. “Oh, eight or nine,” the waitress replied.

“I’ll take the nine,” Rachel said.