Punch Lines

It’s been a great year for sports tradition, says Argus Hamilton. “The Super Bowl trophy went back to Green Bay, the World Series trophy went back to New York and the Dallas Cowboy specimen cup went back to the commissioner’s office.”

Scottie Baran says he terrorized a bunch of Packers fans wearing cheese-head hats. “I was wearing my Mouseketeer hat from Disneyland. . . .”

* Adds Gary Easley, “The Packers not only won the Super Bowl, they also made the point spread. Now their bookies get to go to Disneyland.”

“You could see huge bodies dripping sweat, hear fearsome grunting and groaning, even wince at the occasional groin pull,” says Jerry Perisho. “But enough about the Blues Brothers’ halftime performance.”

That pregame coin toss was just a staged reenactment, says Jenny Church. “If they had tossed a real coin out there, athletes could have been injured in the crush of owners and agents scrambling to pick it up.”

*

In the news: We’re finally drying out a bit after another rainy weekend. Says Perisho, “There was so much flowing mud and sandbagging, Californians thought it was a gubernatorial campaign.”

* Adds Bob Mills, “Several enterprising Marin County Realtors are trying to put a positive spin on the floods with the slogan ‘Never an Empty Hot Tub.’ ”

A man pulled up near the gates of Paramount Studios and said he had 5,000 pounds of explosives. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “Paramount accountants said, ‘Even if it isn’t a bomb, we can make it look like it is.’ ”

A jury ordered ABC News to write a check for $5.5 million to the Food Lion grocery chain because of the way it gathered information for a story. Says Steve Voldseth, “Just my luck, I got in line behind the guy trying to get it approved.”

Bloomingdale’s says sales of Bruno Magli shoes are better than ever. Says Alan Ray, “O.J. Simpson has proven their worth. He wore them--and walked.”

A male and a female panda were introduced at the San Diego Zoo in hopes that they will procreate. Says Ray, “Experts say the mating process is similar to that of humans: There won’t be any talking afterward.”

*

Bear necessities: The TraveLodge motel chain is promoting its “sleepy bear den” rooms designed especially for kids:

* “Instead of a foil-wrapped mint on the pillow, there’s a half-eaten lollipop stuck to it.” (Church)

* “Each room features a huge sign on the wall that says, ‘Yes! We’re THERE!’ ” (Mills)

*

Reader Carol Weinell says that while watching the inauguration, son Rory, 5, was especially interested during the singing of the national anthem.

“Hey, Mom,” he said, “they’re playing the baseball song.”