LAUGH LINES : Punch Lines

In the News: Los Angeles Mayor Richard Riordan wants to make “abusive” panhandling a crime. “Now when a beggar asks for a dime, he has to say, ‘Pretty please.’ ” (Paul Ecker).

* Bob Mills says, “The proposed law specifically exempts PBS, Jerry Lewis and the Clinton administration.”

President Clinton raised $27 million at White House coffee klatches. “He insists his administration was never for sale,” says Stan Kaplan. “Maybe not, but his opponents say you could rent with an option to lobby.”

* “Clinton collects $27 million from coffee drinking buddies, yet never does them a single favor? Some friend he is.” (Jenny Church)

* “$200,000 for coffee? Where did they get that idea? From movie theaters?” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “Clinton seemed defensive at the press conference. You would be too if you preempted soap operas.” (Daily Scoop)

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Government Services: Taxpayers can now file income tax returns on the Internet. “The IRS can be accessed at www.heartless / bloodsucker.com,” Mills reports.

A manual detailing torture techniques printed by the CIA in the 1980s has been released to the public. Says Alan Ray, “The outside cover was designed to disguise it as ordinary literature--’The Citadel: Freshman Orientation.’ ”

* “Coincidentally, fliers went up announcing the garage sale at CIA headquarters, where hot items will include Richard Simmons exercise videos and Fran Drescher laugh tracks.” (Tom Singer)

* “Included in the how-to-torture book is an entire chapter devoted to Pauly Shore films.” (Olympia Daily World)

Clinton wants to spend $2 billion to bring classrooms online. “He wants political science students to learn how to electronically transfer funds from foreign banks,” says Jerry Perisho.

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Health Beat: In a survey, hospital patients reported that they had trouble getting their questions answered--such as, “Five bucks for an aspirin?” and “I’m supposed to eat this?” (Daily Scoop)

New York became the 20th state to sue the tobacco industry, saying tobacco is the No. 2 killer of New Yorkers. Adds Jay Leno, “The No. 1 killer of New Yorkers is other New Yorkers.”

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In Religion: A poll of clergymen found that only 34% could recite the Ten Commandments. Says Perisho, “Somewhat redeeming themselves, 86% knew that Charlton Heston starred as Moses in the movie.

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Reader Miriam Sherman took her grandchildren to a toy store, but explained that since she no longer had a job she couldn’t spend much. Six-year-old Ryan responded:

“Get another job, Grandma.”