Well, he got the planet right:A producer...

Well, he got the planet right:

A producer of “Men in Black,” an upcoming movie about space aliens hiding here, told USA Today that it takes “a comic humble view of the Earth as the Barstow of the universe, where you stop to go to the bathroom on the way to Yosemite.”

Obviously, this producer hasn’t been paying attention to the route his limo driver takes. From the L.A. area, Barstow is actually on the way to an area known for its neon canyons, Las Vegas.

READ-THE-SMALL-PRINT DEPT.: Jackson Henry of Torrance came across a coupon from a South Bay athletic club, whose “free” offer doesn’t sound all that cheap (see accompanying).

BATTLE OF THE LITERARY TITANS: Mailer vs. Updike? No, Allen Wilkinson of Whittier noticed a different author matchup. Ex-con evangelist Jim Bakker will be signing his book (“I Was Wrong”) in Glendale tonight, a few hours after ex-wife Tammy Faye Messner discusses her opus (“Tammy, Telling It My Way”) at a round-table in Beverly Hills.

PAPER CHASE: We knew schools were having financial problems, but we didn’t realize how bad the money crunch was until we saw this photo of a roll of toilet paper secured by a chain, which Michael Bird of Calabasas snapped at an Anaheim campus.

ALARMING NEWS: National magazines like to poke fun at L.A., but this city has been hailed in another publication--Security Sales--for becoming the largest burg to establish a “false-alarm education school.”

And not a moment too soon, inasmuch as 98% of the time a home or business system sounds in L.A. it’s a bum alarm.

Larry Williams, the LAPD’s false-alarm guru, will discuss the operation of such systems at a free class tonight at Parker Center (information: [213] 485-2931).

The problem is so bad that the city only allows you two free false alarms a year. Each one after that resulting in a police response costs $80. But attending the class will enable you to get one false alarm removed from your record.

RHYMING L.A.: On Wednesday, Kevin Mitchell, the author of “Songwriters’ Rhyming Dictionary,” asked Only in L.A. readers to come up with phrases that sound like Los Angeles to fill a void in his otherwise comprehensive guide. And perhaps enable someone to compose the great song about Los Angeles that remains to be written.

Rivian Chaikin of Van Nuys immediately sent us her musical tribute to the City of Angels, which rhymes Los Angeles with . . .

Unanimous, exodus, mountain crest and romances us.

Chaikin mentioned, by the way, that she wrote the ditty several years ago, which is why she had to update these lyrics:

What if there’s SigAlerts and traffic jams . . .

There’s also the Kings, the Raiders and the Rams.

Her substitute wording:

What if there’s SigAlerts and all of those things . . .

We have soccer and hockey with the Galaxy and Kings.

All in all, it’s too bad that it was the Raiders and Rams, rather than SigAlerts, that made an exodus from Angeles.

miscelLAny

The makers of Johnson Wax are staging the “search for Los Angeles’ most discriminating nose” Sunday from 11 a.m. to 5 p.m. at the Glendale Galleria. One event will be a “jellybean taste test with nose plugged.” The top sniffer will compete in the national finals in Barstow--excuse us--New York next month for the grand prize of $5,000 and one year of free maid service.