Punch Lines

Around the Country: The National Governors Conference held its annual convention in Las Vegas this week, says Argus Hamilton. “It’s only right. Americans spend $330 billion a year on games of chance, and that doesn’t even include weddings and elections.”

“Here’s another of those only-in-New-York-City stories,” says Jay Leno. “It seems there is a new restaurant in New York called the S&M; Cafe for people who enjoy sadomasochistic behavior. What they do is combine the food from Denny’s with the prices from Starbucks, and all the waiters are from France.”

Bell Atlantic in New Jersey is looking for the printing-room culprit who swapped the numbers of lawyers and escort services in the Yellow Pages. “The escort services had started to worry when the only girl the callers ever wanted was ‘Sue.’ ” (Bill Williams)

“President Clinton was in Lake Tahoe last weekend and offered $50 million for its cleanup,” says Jeff O’Neill. “He pledged the money after the locals told him that with all the pollution, you could hardly spot a mermaid any more.”

“In Gilroy, Calif., they put on their big annual Garlic Festival this week. This festival turns a profit every year, except for the kissing booth.” (Leno)

Twelve Delta Airlines employees were indicted for allegedly smuggling cocaine into the U.S. “They loved to fly, and it showed a little too much.” (Alex Kaseberg)

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The Literary World: “Romance novelist Janet Dailey admitted she plagiarized the works of rival romance novelist Nora Roberts. ‘I knew I was in trouble,’ said Dailey, ‘when the smooth creamy paper of the subpoena brushed longingly against my open palm.’ ” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

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Football Facts: “According to a survey in Redbook magazine, 60% of men surveyed would rather have sex with their wives than get two free tickets to the Super Bowl,” says Leno. “Well, this is misleading. The survey was done in Buffalo.”

“The Green Bay Packers signed QB Brett Favre to a contract worth $42 million,” says Hamilton. “But he said what matters to him is his love of the game. He’d still be out there playing if they gave him only $41 million.”

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New in Science: Danish researchers say that on average, men have about 4 billion more brain cells than women, but they don’t know what men do with them. “That’s easy,” says Jerry Perisho. “Where do you think men store batting averages, knock-knock jokes and the ability to channel-surf?”

Reader Mary Houser of Glendora listened to her 4-year-old granddaughter recite the alphabet over the phone. When she finished, Houser asked her if she knew how to spell her name. When she said she didn’t, Houser told her “S-A-R-A-H.”

After a pause, Sarah said, “Hey, those letters are in the alphabet too.”