Punch Lines

In Politics: On the South Lawn of the White House, President Clinton, flanked by Vice President Al Gore and House Speaker Newt Gingrich, signed the new budget agreement, says Camille Brewster. “It was history’s first hot tub signing.”

San Francisco marijuana activist Dennis Peron is running for California governor in the Republican primary. “It’ll be nice to have a campaign that takes the high ground,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop.

Sen. Fred Thompson says the White House evaded his request for relevant documents in his committee’s investigation of fund-raising. “The president says he sent every document they requested. Of course, he sent them UPS.” (Argus Hamilton)

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Sports Guys: Boxer Mike Tyson’s wife, Monica Turner, gave birth to a boy this week. “I understand the kid takes after Mike,” says Jay Leno. “He’s teething already.”

The Cowboys fined coach Barry Switzer $75,000 for his arrest at the Dallas airport for carrying a gun. “If they really wanted to punish him, they’d make him coach the Jets.” (Daily Scoop)

* “Switzer claims he was carrying a loaded revolver in his luggage just in case Robert Schuller was aboard the plane.” (Earl Hochman)

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On Screens: The Navy’s chief information officer, Adm. Kendell Pease, says the Navy did not assist on Demi Moore’s new film, “G.I. Jane,” because the script was so unrealistic. “Same thing happened when the Pussycat Club refused to help her with ‘Striptease.’ ” (Bob Mills)

* The Pentagon said the film doesn’t reflect today’s military. “Yeah, in the movie Demi Moore doesn’t bed her drill sergeant.” (Daily Scoop)

“Conspiracy Theory” with Julia Roberts and Mel Gibson opens today. “The latest conspiracy theory is that Julia Roberts is in every summer movie.” (Brewster)

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Weird Facts: A Jerry Lewis impersonator / look-alike contest was held this week at Universal Studios. “That’s enough to give even mimes the shivers.” (Daily Scoop)

Bill Gates admits that he purchased a $150-million share of Apple purely as a convenience. “It seems he went out to buy his nephew a Macintosh for his birthday, and the computer store was closed.” (Mills)

The Rolling Stones’ Mick Jagger and Keith Richards are reportedly not speaking, says the Daily Scoop. “A source says they’re fighting over the same things as usual--what songs to record, when to tour, when to replace Keith’s blood supply. . . .”

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Reader Margaret Rearden had her 6-year-old grandson visiting. He ran out to the lawn to play with his toy truck, stopped short and called out:

“Grandma, where’s your dirt?”