The Calm Within

It’s gotta be tough. You make millions advising millions how to find emotional and spiritual health. But to do that, you rush from the set of “Oprah” in Chicago to a book-signing in Boston and then back to Southern California to finish what is sure to be another bestseller.

So how do health guru Deepak Chopra and relationship expert Barbara De Angelis--writers whose self-help books, videos and seminars gross millions of dollars--balance their personal and professional lives?

Meditation.

Chopra and De Angelis say the practice allows them to slip beneath the noise of their thoughts and gain access to an inner wisdom and sense of well-being. “Meditation is not about forcing your mind to be quiet,” says Chopra. “It is finding the quiet that’s already there.”

De Angelis, a former talk show host and regular guest on “Oprah,” “Donahue,” “Leeza” and “Geraldo,” also extols the virtues of sitting cross-legged in silent repose. “I’m absolutely certain that learning to be conscious and completely aware of where you are is the key to experiencing peace and joy in life,” says De Angelis. She says she meditates every day, not just when she is under stress.

Both Chopra, the West’s foremost advocate of ayurveda, India’s ancient science of holistic medicine, and De Angelis, the “love doctor” whose books discuss relationships, intimacy and sex, say they find refuge from their crammed days by spending time in nature or at a retreat.

Chopra, whose lecturing on mind-body healing keeps him on the road away from his La Jolla home for half the year, says he and his wife, Rita, recently spent five days at a meditation retreat in Costa Rica.

“We don’t speak at the retreat,” he says. “But instead of feeling more separate, my wife and I feel more connected--not only to each other but to all of experience.”

De Angelis and her husband, Jeffrey James, who call Pacific Palisades home, are staying at a retreat in the Catskills in New York. They are spending their summer in silent contemplation, meditation, chanting, doing volunteer work and studying sacred texts.

Visiting a retreat is different from a typical vacation, say Chopra and De Angelis. The purpose is not to collect souvenirs or photos, but to return home having discovered an interior space that one can return to again and again.

“There is no mathematical formula for balancing one’s life,” says De Angelis. “It’s not like the answer is saying, ‘I’ll set aside five hours for my family and 50 hours for work.’ ”

After years of fearing it would harm her career, De Angelis now routinely turns down projects that risk upending her priorities. “I’ve been making decisions that one might say are not good business decisions but that have been good life decisions,” she says.

For Chopra, whose wife accompanies him on most of his trips, the surest way to avoid anxiety is to negotiate clear agreements. “You only get stressed when your expectations don’t match reality,” he says. For instance, he and Rita call each other once a day, no matter where they are, even if it is only to leave the message “Thinking of you.”

After 27 years of marriage, Chopra, his wife and adult children have a number of agreements, such as a commitment to take at least one family trip together a year. “When we have understanding with someone, we don’t have to insist or cajole for attention.”

It helps, he says, that he and his wife share many interests. But when she wants to see two movies and he wants to browse in a book shop, they head to a theater near a bookstore. That way, after the first film she stays for the second, while he retreats to the bookstore to read the poetry of Rumi, Kabir or Tagore.

“People who all the time have to be with everyone else are the most lonely people,” says Chopra. “They have a desperate need to be with others because they have never known themselves.” Meditation, he says, has been the most helpful means for him to come to know himself.

Not that meditation should be used as an excuse to avoid our obligations or our partners. Meditation helps us relax when we are tense, nervous or bombarded by thoughts, says De Angelis, and it helps us contact that place where we can see all perspectives. “It takes us out of the frame of mind, ‘I’m a prisoner of this situation and can’t do anything about it.’ ”

Apparently, even Dear Abby believes there is wisdom in De Angelis’ message. A few years back, the advice columnist ran an excerpt from the De Angelis book “Real Moments.”

“If you read only one book this year,” Dear Abby wrote, “make it ‘Real Moments’ by Barbara De Angelis. It’s about experiencing fulfillment in your life now, not when you have more money, or find the right partner, or achieve your perfect weight. It’s about one’s quest for happiness.”

From the book:

First I was dying to finish high school and start college.

And then I was dying to finish college and start working.

And then I was dying for my children to grow old enough for school, so I could return to work.

And then I was dying to retire.

And now, I am dying . . . and suddenly I realize I forgot to live.

Gali Kronenberg is a freelance writer and a regular contributor to The Times. He can be reached at [email protected]