Punch Lines

Ruthless People: “We saw this headline: ‘IRS Harassing Lawyer.’ Boy, is that a story that leaves you with mixed feelings.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

“UPS employees must choose whether to trust their pension fund to the Teamsters Union or to UPS,” says Argus Hamilton. “Those are their only two choices. James McDougal and Charles Keating are out of the business.”

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Around the Country: “Caesar’s Hotel and Casino in Atlantic City plans to build a 100-foot moving, talking, laser-lit statue of Poseidon, god of the sea,” says Jerry Perisho. “I thought the god of the sea was David Hasselhoff.”

The Iowa State Penitentiary has decided to charge each inmate $5 a month for a 7-by-8-foot cell with a bunk, small toilet, table and stool. “The good news for the prisoners is that if they don’t pay the rent, they get evicted.” (Debra Clark)

* “Prison officials got the idea from a convicted slumlord.” (Joe Kevany)

“The big free Garth Brooks concert was held in Central Park,” says Jay Leno. “Usual country mix of songs about cheating husbands, naive young women and hot summer love. I think the whole thing was dedicated to Mayor Rudolph Giuliani.”

* “We’ve heard a lot about Reagan Democrats over the years. Giuliani could be the first Clinton Republican.” (Leno)

“Ghost hunters gathered for a conference over the weekend in Decatur, Ill.,” says the Daily Scoop. “They have fascinating seminars--’Can Poltergeists Be Treated With Prozac?’ . . . ‘Haunted Houses: Can You Deduct Your Ghost as a Dependent?’ ”

* “They discussed the best way to photograph a ghost in a cemetery,” says Hamilton. “It’s important, because starting in 1998, you can’t vote in Chicago without a picture ID.”

“For the first time in nearly a decade, crack use is declining in the U.S., suddenly going down,” says Leno. “I guess we finally know what was in all those UPS trucks.”

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Snit of the Month: “Co-star Eriq LaSalle of NBC’s ‘ER’ is boycotting TV Guide because the magazine has never given him a cover story. LaSalle does, however, adorn the cover of this month’s issue of Hissy Fit.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

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Reader Enid Frohmberg says her daughter and 6-year-old granddaughter, Katie, were looking for condos with a real estate agent. The agent asked why they were moving from their house. “I know! I know!” piped up Katie. Frohmberg’s daughter went into a panic expecting the child to give a long discourse about her parents’ divorce. With great relief she heard the child exclaim:

“Because we’ve got ants!”