Punch Lines

Weird Facts: “Fleetwood Mac is back together, Microsoft and Apple have joined forces, and Donny and Marie are coming back to TV. Is there any doubt the millennium is coming?” (Olympia Daily World)

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In the News: “Did you hear? UPS Teamsters will go back to work. They’re getting Delta’s cocaine contract.” (Bill Williams)

* “Sure the full-timers at UPS have an advantage over part-time employees,” says Bob Mills. “They’re entitled to all the benefits UPS offers--health insurance, a dental plan, full-length pants. . . .”

“The DEA arrested 28 people Monday in the latest effort to stop Mexico’s drug lords from doing business in New York City,” says Argus Hamilton. “This didn’t have to happen. That’s 28 trials a free John Gotti could have saved us.”

Atlanta pitcher Greg Maddux’s five-year $57.5-million contract makes him the highest paid player in baseball, says Johnny Robish. “That’s almost enough money to make a plumber jealous.”

“Some psychiatrists are concerned about the increasing number of prescriptions for antidepressants being written for kids,” says the Daily World. “It’s gotten so bad, one shrink complains, they’ve come out with Flintstone-shaped Prozac.”

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Out in Space: Congress is eager to look at the next planet beyond Mars, says Hamilton. “Many Republicans believe the rings around Saturn are composed entirely of missing Democratic fund-raising records.” (Hamilton)

The Mir repair mission is set for almost a week from now, says the Cutler Daily Scoop. “What? Does the new crew have other jobs in the neighborhood?”

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In Show Biz: “ ‘Free Willy 3’ is out, and Willy is endangered yet again,” says Paul Steinberg. “You know, with whales like Willy, it’s no wonder the species is endangered.”

“There is hot news in Hollywood. Christian Slater was arrested on assault charges, and out of habit a spokesman for Charlie Sheen apologized.” (Bill Maher)

Elvis impersonator Toon Nievwenhuisen claims to have a statue of Elvis that weeps for his fans. “This is one Loony Toon.” (Daily Scoop)

* “Toon says he will let ‘pilgrims’ in to see the statue today,” adds the Scoop. “Or, as Elvis himself sang, ‘You saw me crying in the tourist trap. . . .’ ”

“ ‘Conspiracy Theory’ made $19 million in its first weekend,” says Camille Brewster. “The real conspiracy starts a year from now when the studio says it still isn’t into profits.”

Reader Sandra Robbie of Santa Ana was a guest at her neighbor’s home and noticed another guest, a little boy, eyeing a fruit tree in the backyard. He finally asked:

“Are those oranges or tambourines?”