Punch Lines

Signs of the Fin de Siecle: “This is shark week on the Discovery Channel. They say sharks get a really bad rap. Like there are very few actual shark attacks. In fact, so far this year, more people have been bitten by celebrities than by sharks.” (Jay Leno)

“According to the Center for Media and Public Affairs, crime has become the overwhelming favorite topic of nightly newscasts,” says Camille Brewster. “And that’s just the sports coverage.”

The NCAA is investigating two UCLA basketball players because of the expensive cars they drive, late model sports utility vehicles. “Both players say, no, there is no violation. They claim the cars are gifts from O.J.’s mom and they’re just using them” (Leno)

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Inside the Beltway: “Congress has OKd new refrigerators for employees at CIA headquarters, where pizza deliveries are barred for security reasons,” says Bob Mills. “Pizzas have been a no-no since agency cryptographers discovered sensitive defense information spelled out in pepperoni.”

“Senate foreign relations chairman Jesse Helms is still refusing to allow a hearing on ambassador to Mexico nominee William Weld. However, in a rare gesture of conciliation, Helms has notified the White House that he might be willing to OK a hearing for Tuesday Weld.” (Mills)

“The National Institutes of Health says smoking pot may have health benefits. Of course, all possible health benefits are lost if you don’t have low-fat munchies.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “The NIH calls for a panel to conduct more research, and already NIH is looking like the parking lot at a Dead concert.” (Daily Scoop)

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On the Tube: “Roseanne will guest star as Fran Drescher’s cousin in ‘The Nanny’ this fall,” says Argus Hamilton. “In the episode, chaos ensues when the cousin visits unexpectedly and fires all the writers.”

ABC is taping “A Tribute to Aaron Spelling” to air in the fall. “Spelling will be honored for his role in returning nepotism to prime-time TV.” (Daily Scoop)

“American Bandstand” recently celebrated its 40th anniversary and Dick Clark said in an interview, “Rock ‘n’ roll keeps you young.” “Really?” says Leno. “Then how do you explain Keith Richards?”

“There’s going to be a new Donny and Marie Osmond show in 1998,” says the Scoop. “See, we told you we should have nipped this ‘70s revival thing in the bud. Those who did not watch ‘Donny and Marie’ are condemned to repeat it.”

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Reader Rip Stuetzel tells this story of his wife’s childhood. Born and raised in Los Angeles, she went with her family to visit New York, where they went for an excursion on the Hudson River. The little girl watched from the bow and then ran to her dad, exclaiming.

“Daddy, come quick and look. There is water in this river.”