Punch Lines

Welcome to Hollywood: “I want to warn tourists, any of the tourists around here on sightseeing trips: Please, whatever you do, do not feed the celebrities. They can bite.” (Jay Leno)

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Big Business: “Starbucks says it may not be able to raise the price of a cup of coffee again this year, because competitors probably will not follow suit,” says Johnny Robish. “Sort of takes all the fun out of being a monopoly if you can’t push competitors around.”

“Tobacco companies are giving money to politicians in record amounts,” says Alan Ray. “So if you don’t like secondhand smoke, just do what congressmen do--turn your head.”

“Amtrak has a new policy. The conductor will now make a standard announcement: ‘Before you get out of your seat, make sure the train car is in an upright position.’ ” (Ray)

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Conservation Corner: “Animal-rights activists are trying to convince officials to do away with the bearskin helmets worn by Buckingham Palace guards,” says Steve Voldseth. “Why can’t they do away with the one worn by Sam Donaldson?”

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Around the Country: “According to a sociologist at Arizona State University, couples who don’t have children are the happiest,” says Leno. “Unless of course you are Woody Allen, when the person you are dating is one of the children. That just throws the whole thing off.”

The three brothers who make up the Oklahoma pop group Hanson have sold the rights to their life stories to a film producer. “At this point, are there enough unanswered questions about their early elementary school years to make a movie?” (Mark Wheeler)

Southern Baptists are being asked to step up their boycott of Disney by promising to refrain from spending $100 on Disney products or services over the next 12 months, says Bob Mills. “A family of four skipping lunch at Disneyland should just about do it.”

“NBA superstar Marcus Camby was stopped by Massachusetts police, who found marijuana in his car. But he says the pot was not his,” says Argus Hamilton. “Of course it wasn’t. It had been put there by the reefer fairy.”

Bill and Hillary Clinton are vacationing at Martha’s Vinyard, says Camille Brewster. “They wanted to stay at the White House, but it’s rented out for the summer.”

Reader Nancy Lay was reading “Charlotte’s Web” to her 3 1/2-year-old daughter, Annie. They came upon a picture of Wilbur the pig with a tear rolling down his face. Lay asked Annie, “What’s Wilbur doing?” After examining the picture carefully, Annie seemed puzzled.

“Well, he can’t be crying, because he’s not kicking,” she said.