Punch Lines

A Lesson From History: “The History Channel did a show on the four desert wars in which Israel has defeated Egypt in the past 50 years,” says Argus Hamilton. “Egypt blames the losses on the advice they got from Russian military advisors. Not every army should retreat to the capital and wait for winter to set in.”

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Pop Culture Watch: “Barney the dinosaur will soon star in a movie. I believe it’s titled ‘Jurassic Dork.’ ” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

Hasbro will add a female doll to its G.I. Joe collection, says Hamilton. “She comes in full combat gear. This includes a rifle, a bayonet, two lawyers, a defendant, his lawyer, three other victims and a movie deal.”

“Eighty-thousand cyberfans of MetaSquares, a checkers-like board game, are upset that America Online cut it from its lineup. Those poor geeks. No checkers. No board. No life.” (Jenny Church)

“Last week 50,000 people paid to walk through Graceland and file past Elvis Presley’s grave,” says Camille Brewster. “They’re making almost as much money as the White House.”

“Tim Allen is reportedly asking for the same $1 million an episode that Jerry Seinfeld gets. What does that say about our society--that we’re paying that kind of money to someone who probably can’t even dribble a basketball.” (Johnny Robish)

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Gratefully Observed: “The jinxed Mir crew returned to Earth last week. How about that? They’re back and so far the place hasn’t blown up.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

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Americana: Republicans now have their own Visa card, says Cecera. “It gives you a large line of credit and if you fall behind in your payments, you can borrow the money from Bob Dole.”

“The Clintons are vacationing on Martha’s Vineyard. The Gores are in North Carolina. It may be the most serious crisis our country has faced since the Cuban missile crisis. They’ve left Newt Gingrich home alone.” (Jerry Perisho)

“A state prison in Iowa is now charging inmates rent,” says Cecera. “I understand the warden is Donald Trump.”

A survey shows that 55% of Americans support the Teamsters’ strike against UPS; 27% support UPS. “The remaining 18% are standing in line at the post office.” (Daily Scoop)

* “President Clinton wisely refuses to intervene in the Teamsters strike,” says Hamilton. “These aren’t guys to mess with. In the last 20 years, NASA has sent explorers to every planet, and still no Hoffa.”

Santa Ana reader Sandra Robbie’s 2-year-old nephew, Robert, went to a department store with his grandmother. The elevator they were waiting for was full, so they waited for the next one. A few minutes later, when the door opened again, Robert’s eyes widened with surprise. As they stepped into the empty elevator, he said:

“They’re gone.”